Flashback Friday

Never Too Young to Die (1986)

Happy Friday Retroholics, it's time for another dose of forgotten nostalgia-filled 80's film gems. This weeks choice, suggested by Rick Shithouse himself, stars a pre Full House John Stamos, a cross-dressing Gene Simmons, Robert Englund as a nerdy scientist, and the lovely 80's pop-starlet Vanity. Along with its great synth score and James Bond-esque parody, this film is sure to fulfill your cheesy retro movie desires!

 1986's Never Too Young to Die, directed by Gil Bettman, features John Stamos as Lance Stargrove, a college gymnast who's CIA father Drew Stargrove (George Lazenby) is double-crossed and murdered while on a special-ops mission by Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), a ruthless drag queen gang leader. Von Ragner has plans to poison the local drinking water with toxic waste with the help of his lead scientist Riley (Robert Englund), but they must acquire a disk that Drew Stargrove died refusing to give the location of.

During a visit to his newly inherited farm, Lance meets his fathers former partner Danja Deerling (Vanity) but they are soon attacked by Von Ragner's leather bound cronies and narrowly escape. Now, with Von Ragner and his ruthless gang hunting them down for information about the disk, Lance must team up with Danja to escape Von Ragner's clutches, avenge his father's murder, and put an end to Von Ragner's sinister plans.

The score to this film was composed by Lennie Niehaus, featuring suspenseful backing synths as well as a handful of obscure but enjoyable pop tracks, including one by Dee Dee Bellson during the steamy Stamos/Vanity love scene. To top it off, Stargrove even has his own rockin' opening theme song. If you're looking for a great accommodating synthwave album, then check out Fantastisizer's most recent EP, Last Call which does an excellent job of creating a suspense filled mystery your synth loving ears can't help but enjoy.

So if you're interested in seeing a gender bending Gene Simmons in leather and lace, or Full House hunk John Stamos mack on "Nasty Girl" Vanity then this film is definitely a train-wreck you don't want to miss!

Until next Friday, have a fun safe week my fellow rockers!

Magnum Crockett